Principals in delhi university colleges have decided to up the cut off marks to 110 per cent to prevent students from getting admission and colleges getting overcrowded. When reminded by rampaging parents that no student in history has ever got 110, except for that Apsara Pencil boy on TV who got ‘Sau mein se ek sau panch’ in Maths for good handwriting, the principals retorted that they were very well aware of that.

“What are we to do?” said one principal who was being shouted at by an irate host with high BP on a TV Channel (real reason behind shouting: host was once denied admission in said college and now found great opportunity to vent his anger). The principal’s logic? Since students are getting higher and higher marks every year, they decided to raise the bar. “This will help us in many ways,” said the knowledgeable principal. “First of all, we will hardly have any students as barely anyone will get admission with such a cut off. Secondly, the ones that do get admission (for instance, my niece, the college librarian’s daughter, the science prof’s grandson, etc) with get complete attention of the lecturers as the ratio of student teacher will be 2: 20.” According to the principal, lesser number of students will be great for the teachers as they would get more time to ‘ideate in the staffroom’ (i.e have cups of cutting chai and read the newspaper). In fact, there may be times when the classrooms would be empty as everyone knows how many classes students bunk. This would be great for the classrooms as these would stay clean, saving us on sweeping and maintenance bills.”

When questioned by TV channels on his chances of admission with a 110% cutoff, the Science topper of this year who has the now useless score of 99% said he was extremely thrilled. “I now have the perfect excuse to reject the education system and take up DJing, something I have wanted to do for long but haven’t because of my overbearing parents.” He added.
Meanwhile the Sau mein se ek sau panch Apsara Pencil boy received mixed reactions across the country. While DU principals applauded him for giving them the idea of increasing the cut offs and planned to start an Apsara Pencil scholarship, students and angry parents blamed him for setting a “bad precedent of impossibly high percentage” and vowed never to use pencils again.

You know you are losing it when...

You go on eBay and feel the thrill of life when you spot the Electrolux Cordless Vacuum Cleaner on sale at the Global Easy Buy. Worse it leads to a series of fantasies in which you imagine situation where you remain calm and collected (like foreign woman doing yoga in white threadbare kurta that looks good only on her) even when the maid calls to say she is sick and therefore unable to come for the next three days. You imagine yourself cleaning the chocos off the sofa, the bits of craft paper off the floor and the various discarded pieces of parantha your son has artfully hidden around the house in a jiffy, because ta....da..this vacuum cleaner is a cordless one and moving it around is a breeze.
At some point you give yourself a mega shake and come out of your vacuum induced reverie. You even recover enough to open a new window and check out the latest fool-the-world gizmo Apple has on offer. But old habits (or recently acquired strange habits you thought only old people had) die hard. You return to the household appliance section and order a mini accessories basket for the dishwasher. Along with a wall mounted kitchen scale and swim diapers. And you feel the thrill of wonderful shopping wash all over.
Like I said. Help is surely required here.