First Khushboo and now Sania Mirza. Now don't these ladies know better than shooting their mouths off about sex-vex, pyaar-vyaar and saying sorry later?

I can still digest Khushboo's comment. After all she's an actress and we Indians are aware that all actresses have loose morals, no? So, we can ignore her when she says something absolutely unIndian like this. But Sania? First she addresses press conferences in foreign wearing T-shirts with bold messages instead of wearing nice zari salwar kameezes (full sleeved) and Malabar Gold jewellery. Then she goes a step ahead and supports Khushboo. And then she has second thoughts and says she's been misquoted.

Arre bhai, can't these girls think before they speak? Ek to bina soche samjhe kuch bhi keh do. Woh bhi sex jaise sensitive topic par. Don't they know that good Indian girls are allowed to have sex with only one man, their husband? And if the husband pops it or throws you out of the house, the good Indian girl can end up having sex with Man No. 2, provided the parents have procured her a husband again. After all, this is our glorious Indian culture. Everything is ok once you're married. Sex -- safe or unsafe, marital rape, domestic violence, catching the HIV virus from hubby, everything. The important thing is to be married.
Which is why the ABVP activists are right. Sania has hurt the sentiments of 'Indian people'. Well, thanks to all these cable television, shopping malls, Hollywood films, BPOs and what have Yos, there are many people who'll cry foul and say Sania has actually made a mature and responsible statement, is being forced to retract it and that we should move on with the times, etc, etc. But what do they know? Haven't these people watched Hindi films? Don't they know what happens to girls who have sex before marriage? See what happened to Sharmila Tagore in Aradhana, Parveen Babi in Deewar and so many other heroines? Agreed they didn't practise safe sex, as preached by Sania and some Miss Universe (again, model+foreigner=loose morals) but that's not the point, is it?
In fact, in all this brouaha, I'm quite confused what the point really is.

Is it about an unmarried girl having sex with an unmarried boy? Quite possible. It is not only unthinkable and against family values as shown by K-Serials but absolutely corrupting for most of us Indians who have no idea of how babies are born until they tie the knot. Forget all those newsmagazine cover stories that claim more and more Indians are having sex before marriage. Forget realities like Delhi Public School MMS scandal which show that kids are not only doing it but being pretty brazen about it too. These are after all a small part of the Indian population who have been brainwashed and corrupted by MTV and all these newfangled movies like Hum Tum and Salaam Namaste. The majority of us are pure-minded, uncorrupted, blindfolded Indians with strong value systems. We take two steps backward for every one step forward. And we simply can't stomach any talk about sex. Safe or otherwise. Prevention is better than cure. Haven't they heard?

Are We There Yet?

Am feeling a bit low, so I call S in Mumbai late at night for a pick-me-up chat.

'OHMIGOD! Boy or girl?!!!!!' S screams into the phone.

'None. The baby's still inside. I called to just talk.'

'Oh...and there I thought...' S sounds like a punctured balloon, before adding, 'listen am at a party. Will call you later.'

Humph! So much for 4 am friends!

Take it from me. Week 40 breathing down your neck is the worse wait of the nine month narrative. Worse than waiting in the line at State Bank of India. Worse than waiting to pay the MTNL bill on the last day. Worse than being 43rd in line at the slow moving check in counter of Air Deccan.

Babycentre, my online bible is asking me to be patient. 'Only 5% of babies are born on their exact due date. Why not practice breathing and relaxation techniques while you're waiting?'

Yes darlings. And why not learn the salsa while I'm at it? I wouldn't be writing this, if I were that relaxed, would I? Why can't I be part of that percentage of women who have babies ahead of schedule? According to mother, all the women in my family belong to that lucky percentage. Except me of course. Don't think it'll arrive anytime soon.

'Read it nice children's books,' says Kahini, when I call her to whine. This is supposed to make baby feel wonderfully excited about the world and make it come out faster. Kahini, if this works, you shall patent this idea, make money and sponsor me at Toto's for life as your first experiment. You're lucky I do not know the names of fancy lounge bars. Am off to Crossword tomorrow to buy books. Send list.

The advice keeps pouring in. By now I'm confused about what they're meant for.

'Play relaxing Western classical music'

'Run your hands over your tummy a lot'

'Sweep the floor. See how phatak se all our maids have babies?'

'Go for regular walks.'

'Go dancing!'

'Have sex.'

'Freeze on the name. You have? Refreeze.'

'Sleep as much as you can.'

I hang up in exasperation and decide to be calm, poised and patient. Have no idea why everyone starts wondering and muttering if you haven't had the baby by the time you've hit 40 weeks. Don't want to make baby feel I'm impatient mother and come out in a hurry. That way would be setting bad precedent for its entire life. And I do not wish to be affected by people. Especially by glam women with washboard abs at restaurant reception desks who tend to ask, 'so how long?'

P calls. He's heard from Mr T whom we met at Lamaze Class. Mrs T had baby girl. One whole week before D date.

I call to congratulate Mrs T. 'You haven't had the baby yet?' she is most surprised, 'What did the doc say? How much more time?'

Ugh ugh ugh.

The bhadroloks at Bengalimatrimony.com are trying very hard to achieve what my parents couldn’t. Marry me off to a good Bong boy. Trivial details like the fact that I’m married and about to produce a child with that man do not bother them, even after I’ve sent an email to inform them of this mildly preventive fact.
I’ve also pointed out that I never registered with them in the first place; else I’d have done so with my real name. Certainly not as Rani, as they insist on addressing me. If I had to register with a false name I’d have gone for something exotic like Zarmaine or Finnouala or Caramia. Certainly not something as common as Rani. Even though she is Bong, actress and therefore supposed to have high recall value in the minds of us Bongs.
Despite these glitches the more I get spammed (6 emails so far) by the bhadraloks the more I see what I missed out on. The chance to meet a nice brainy boy called Shomshubhro or Bishwopriyo, with wheatish complexion, a collection of Panjabis (kurta in Bongspeak) gifted by mashis during Pujo, and a degree from top US University or at least from IIT. And of course a mother. We Bong girls do not look for anything less than that.
Blame it all on my folks. They didn’t exactly lead me in the right direction and point out the advantages of a Bong-Bong match. I was let loose to look in all the wrong places and landed up with a kalchaarless fellow who is laughing at the bhadralok’s persistence and is asking me to look for something called Jainmatrimony which will provide him with options as well. Bengalimatrimony ne meri ankhen khol di. Bas thodi der se.

PS: My sincerest apologies if your name happens to be Shomshubhro or Bishwopriyo. Or even Zarmaine, Finnouala, Caramia and Rani.

What Shall We Gift This Year?

I love gifts. Hunting, giving, getting...all of it. But one thing that leaves me stumped is gifting for the sake of it. Not because you genuinely like the person and really want to give something to him/her but because you think it forms part of your social protocol and obligation and therefore you must.

Which is why Diwali used to exasperate me in my Delhi days. And as I discovered it continues to do that in Bangalore. A day before Diwali we were at the Shoppers' Stop outlet near our home and came face to face with one of the neighbours whom we barely ever meet. After exchanging the usual hello and how are yous, we moved on, did our shoppping and got back home. Sometime in the evening, their son appeared with a box of Haldiram namkeens, muttered 'Uncle, aunty, Happy Diwali, mummy papa have sent,' and escaped.

The next morning I knocked on their door with a box of chocolates. The lady opened the door and we had the briefest of conversations: How are you ji? Very good? Chalo badiya hai. Ok. Happy Diwali. Bye.

My first encounter with random gift giving was post marriage, during my first Diwali in Delhi. I received a make-up kit from the daughter-in-law of my mother-in-law's friend. I was a bit surprised as we barely knew each other and had only met once before. At my wedding. When I mentioned this to my friend S, a Delhi veteran, she nodded sagely, 'It's part of Diwali protocol.'

Since then in my five years of Diwali in Delhi I have received several random gifts which show that the sender has to follow the protocol, even if she/he is completely unaware whether you have a taste for the stuff she/he is sending or not. My all time top five include a disgustingly floral smelling perfume and powder set, a steel tiffin carrier, pink and plasticky icecream cups, a bindi and bangle gift box and something equally terrible I've forgotten all about.

But the point isn't whether the gift is good or bad, tacky or tasteful. The point is why part with it when both the sender and receiver know that it's being done purely for the sake of formality? I'm usually flummoxed and have no idea how to react beyond Oh thank you, you needn't have, etc, on such ocassions. Yes some of you may argue it's a nice gesture but there isn't much thought that goes behind such gestures if you ask me. And to use that cliche, it's the thought that counts.

Which is why I love getting spotted-just-for-me book on Goa from Kahini, which is why I knew my friend H had to have it when I read Anupama Chopra's book on Sholay, which is why some shiny bags have Subs written on them and are screaming to be bought, wrapped in equally shiny cover and dispatched, even if birthdays, anniversaries, New Year, whatever are all far away or long gone. In my mind, gifts don't need a season but they certainly need a definite reason don't they?