Are We There Yet?

Am feeling a bit low, so I call S in Mumbai late at night for a pick-me-up chat.

'OHMIGOD! Boy or girl?!!!!!' S screams into the phone.

'None. The baby's still inside. I called to just talk.'

'Oh...and there I thought...' S sounds like a punctured balloon, before adding, 'listen am at a party. Will call you later.'

Humph! So much for 4 am friends!

Take it from me. Week 40 breathing down your neck is the worse wait of the nine month narrative. Worse than waiting in the line at State Bank of India. Worse than waiting to pay the MTNL bill on the last day. Worse than being 43rd in line at the slow moving check in counter of Air Deccan.

Babycentre, my online bible is asking me to be patient. 'Only 5% of babies are born on their exact due date. Why not practice breathing and relaxation techniques while you're waiting?'

Yes darlings. And why not learn the salsa while I'm at it? I wouldn't be writing this, if I were that relaxed, would I? Why can't I be part of that percentage of women who have babies ahead of schedule? According to mother, all the women in my family belong to that lucky percentage. Except me of course. Don't think it'll arrive anytime soon.

'Read it nice children's books,' says Kahini, when I call her to whine. This is supposed to make baby feel wonderfully excited about the world and make it come out faster. Kahini, if this works, you shall patent this idea, make money and sponsor me at Toto's for life as your first experiment. You're lucky I do not know the names of fancy lounge bars. Am off to Crossword tomorrow to buy books. Send list.

The advice keeps pouring in. By now I'm confused about what they're meant for.

'Play relaxing Western classical music'

'Run your hands over your tummy a lot'

'Sweep the floor. See how phatak se all our maids have babies?'

'Go for regular walks.'

'Go dancing!'

'Have sex.'

'Freeze on the name. You have? Refreeze.'

'Sleep as much as you can.'

I hang up in exasperation and decide to be calm, poised and patient. Have no idea why everyone starts wondering and muttering if you haven't had the baby by the time you've hit 40 weeks. Don't want to make baby feel I'm impatient mother and come out in a hurry. That way would be setting bad precedent for its entire life. And I do not wish to be affected by people. Especially by glam women with washboard abs at restaurant reception desks who tend to ask, 'so how long?'

P calls. He's heard from Mr T whom we met at Lamaze Class. Mrs T had baby girl. One whole week before D date.

I call to congratulate Mrs T. 'You haven't had the baby yet?' she is most surprised, 'What did the doc say? How much more time?'

Ugh ugh ugh.