It isn't easy being a mom. In my case a stay-at-home-working one. Every morning when I go to drop my son at the daycare he clings to me and cries when I leave. Every morning I wonder, 'Is this worth it? Why can't I keep a maid to look after him at home while I work?'
Really, why can't I? Because I tried it and it didn't really work. Working from home can be very distracting because unless you have a separate area from where you operate and shut out the rest of the house, you are constantly being badgered by something or the other.
Add to that a toddler who gets super excited at the sight of a computer or anything mummy does and treats it as another toy to hammer on, much to the risk of his mom's unsaved files and just-copied research.
I can shut the door and work while the maid takes care of him. But I know that in two minutes the door too would be hammered upon with frantic cries of 'maaaaaaaaammmmaaaaaa.'.
Maaaammmmma would curse under her breath and wait for a while but eventually get up and open the door with a heart melting faster than icecream in Delhi heat.
The maid could perhaps take him out to play but heck no, being paranoid mummy par excellence, I would probably be checking the playground from the balcony with a binocular. Is that the maid talking to some of her friends? Hmm...red and yellow dress...haan that's her...I hope she's keeping an eye on him even if she's busy chatting...where's he...why isn't she checking...where's he...ohmygod...aaarghhh...he's eating mud....AARGGGGH...NOOOO...get him back...NOWWWWWWW!
Little wonder then that the daycare is a better option. I know for a fact that my son's happy there, despite the initial bout of crying every morning. I can see it when I go to pick him up in the afternoon. He's happy to see mamma but he's also happy to play with his friends. I know that I'm doing the right thing. It's good for him. And it's good for me.
But still my heart does a super-depressed flip each morning when I leave my clingy baby there. And when I get back home and sit down with a cup of tea with no one around to surreptitiously dip a little finger into it, I'm so totally racked by guilt that I can almost run and get him.
But of course I don't. I switch on the computer instead, start working and keep feeling guilty for the next five hours.
Moms are the strangest creatures!
6 comments:
wow! "And when I get back home and sit down with a cup of tea with no one around to surreptitiously dip a little finger into it, "
the mental imagery was too cute :D Makes me wanna have kids, NOW!
nice one :-)
Wow. Gutsy. Your son must be about 15/16 months and he's already in daycare?
Can't imagine my 19-month tyke in one - so I've been a stay-at-home father for the past 3 months.
Though the Wife and I are steeling ourselves for that move, come June.
I totally totally know what you mean.I live in guilt 8 hrs a day, when I leave my 19 month old daughter with my m-i-l and nanny at home. I know she is perfectly fine, and she is well looked-after by her grandmom. But I keep wondering if she is missing me and whenever I call up (once in an hr), and she says ma-maaa on phone, I feel rotten.
18mts or 5 yrs...you will never ever know if you are doing enough....the satisfaction of working will always be tinged with guilt...its the curse of the womb.
Hi there. Stop feeling so guilty. I am sure the me time (even if it means working on a computer) makes you a better Mum. Don't give it up.
moms are strange creatures? i'll drink to that!
Post a Comment