Yes, even after 34 long years. Ok, may be I should make the number of years lesser because I'm sure I didn't try looking for clarity at four or 10 or even 15. At 20, maybe. In fact, I was quite sure I had found it. I was going to be a journalist. At that time, it was an all encompassing word, no shades attached. I had a job I loved and a clear head. This is where I belonged. At least for the time being. Until I found another newspaper or magazine that paid me better. Simple. Full and final.
Well, life, at least the so called professional part of it is not so final after all. Because here I am, 14 years down the line, confused as hell despite knowing where some of the answers are. I know that I do not want a full time job. The answer to that is in my guilt ridden mind and heart on the days I have a long assignment and have to pick A up late from the daycare. I know I want to freelance. But to what extent? Do I take whatever comes my way, work late nights, make my money and be happy? Or do I choose only the kind of stories that I really want to do even if those are few? Do I network and try to revive long lost contacts even if some them are masters in the art of cold shouldering or do I make myself believe that work will find me and sit tight no matter how implausible that may sound? Well I try it all. I take up crap edit jobs that make no sense except bring me a decent enough cheque which I promptly go and spend at the Strand Book Sale on vast amounts of books for myself and the child. I trudge halfway across town to meet a social worker for a story that will pay me lesser than the cab fare. I wonder whether to start a content writing service with a friend. I wonder whether to keep myself free, writing only what actually makes me feel good and not being the hyper when-will-I-be-busy-again kind of cranky person I usually am. And I wonder when will the focus, the clarity finally stop being elusive. Maybe when I do.
12 comments:
"...which I promptly go and spend at the Strand Book Sale on vast amounts of books for myself and the child"
As long as you buy books for the child, I'd say it is totally worth it. :-)
--Hyde
I KNOW what prompted this post, and I don't have clarity on whether to be happy that I am not alone or sad that am headed to Not-So-Pleasantville.
Sigh. All the best!
Hyde: Absolutely. Even though am broke for the rest of the month after that.
Inky: Yes it was prompted by that. But you are still yeng and all that...about time I got clear headed
Make a list of the options you have and try each for 3 months. Keep a journal to track mood/progress. Review after a year and pick what you were happiest with. If you have waited so long, another year with some planning will only make things clearer.
i thought this problem existed only with people in careers they never wanted to be in the first place (like me).
at least you have the luxury of being able to spend all the money on books!
i thought this problem existed only with people in careers they never wanted to be in the first place (like me).
at least you have the luxury of being able to spend all the money on books!
Vaishali: Thanks that's a good suggestion :)
Sonia: Yes that luxury is why I shouldn't be cribbing :)
and I'd say do shit jobs if you have to and work from home! Don't romanticise careers- work places are filled with dreadful people, remember? I work from home, do shit jobs, get shit money but I've never been happier!
Rupa: My workplaces have mostly been filled with nice or almost nice people :) But you're right. Shall stop whining and get working.
:)
well least you know what you wanna do! write! in what form you will figure out, but you are halfway there already unlike me who has no clue what she really wants to do!
cheers!
abha
Take some time and see what you are comfortable with.. take a break if needed and then get back.. sometimes the grind freelance or otherwise gets to one.
I had this conversation twice this week on a different note of course and both the times, I didnt have the answers..but one thg is certain - I want to do what i like doing, whether the money is big or small..if its worth the effort, will do it, or else no..
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